I honestly have struggled to share on the blog because I'm a little ashamed. I feel very passionately for the orphans in the world, and I'm very contented never to have biological children. While I feel that we are called to adopt, it looks like it's going to move on to the "someday" realm for us. First we need our job to get us worker's visas and then we have to wait months after that. We looked into fostering and we decided we just can't do that right now. Later on we would love to foster, particularly older children or kids who have "aged out" and still need some guidance. But at this place in life we know we could not truly do that effectively. Because of all this we have decided to try for biological children. We'll start with one (if God decides to bless us with that) and see where we stand for another adoption. If we meet all the criteria, we'll start up the process again.
It's a little intimidating to me. Nothing is impossible and I know God will provide for us. I also know that a lot of prayer and consideration went into this on our part. We were afraid that this might look like an excuse, but when carefully weighed we decided there was definitely nothing we could do for at least a year. Who knows, maybe by then China will loosen it's laws and we can adopt from here!
I'm going to be very straight forward right now. This decision comes with a bit of a guilty feeling. I feel like I'm betraying my passion for orphans. I feel like I've turned into one of those people who says "I will follow God's will... someday." All I know that sometimes God leads us right to a door and then asks us to change direction. I don't know why God calls some people just to be a mom. I know a lot of people who consider it one of the most important jobs we can have. I know I will enjoy feeling a baby growing inside of me. I know that I can get through labor, none of that is the issue. The issue is that I felt so incredibly sure that we should adopt. I knew it was what we were called to and now I can't. I don't know why and it scares me. So much along this journey has been emotional already. Maybe He has a bigger calling for my life. Maybe I become a stay at home mom with a side job that is totally His calling for me. Maybe I'm supposed to be the mouth and supporter right now of encouragement and maybe even financial support to someone who is adopting and then later I will be blessed with adoption as well. I have no clue what the future holds. But I take courage in the fact that I know who holds the pen and writes my story. Intricately, page by page, I'm not forgotten; my life is planned down to every tiny detail.
