The 3 Options as of Now

Right now we're in the middle of an intense waiting session.

We've run into an issue with our visa type getting a background check in the land we live (I'm avoiding saying the name so I'm not flagged -- it's stupid here sometimes and you never know what will be the THING that sets things in motion). Anyways... we have to declare residency and wait 6 months for a background check according to the local police station. The problem with this is that we've already had most of our home study done. This is literally the last thing we need before we send our home study report in to be approved. It's so frustrating. Our home study social worker is working on finding out exactly what we need and how to get it. We're praying about our options and would love it if you joined us in prayer over this decision.

Right now we have three options:
1. Wait until we can adopt. This might mean starting our home study process over in 6 months. We're also a little worried about the initial fee at our agency "expiring." (we were supposed to have our dossier finished within a year of the initial fee - and we haven't even finished the home study which is the precursor to the dossier). This might also mean waiting until we have a visa type that allows us to get background checks easily - we don't know when this would be available to us. Our school is working on it, but they've been working on it for a while to no avail.

2. Foster a local child. We would go into this realizing that we would not be able to adopt any child from here until we are both 30 (at least 4 years unless they change their law). I'm pretty sure we could do that part. The really tough part is that we would not be able to travel with the child outside of the country. This would mean that we have to find childcare every 60 days (another visa thing) or anytime we went to the USA or anywhere else for that matter. We would be committing to stay in country for the foreseeable future. This would also be almost immediate - no prep time, just thrown into parenting. There is also the issue that we both teach all day, so it would be afternoon and night, and weekends. Right now we also tutor a bunch on Saturday and some on Tuesday night. Most couples get the understanding from others that they've just had a "newborn" and there is some help in the adjustment. While I know I would thrive being a mom, I don't know that David's ready this instant to change his entire lifestyle on a dime.

3. Start trying to have children biologically. As I have mentioned before, we're not infertile that we know of, so this is still an option. This would be the easiest. But we also don't feel like this is God's call for our lives at the moment. I do feel that if this was the option we chose that I would get involved in some sort of orphan care ministry. There is a specific one that helps parents take care of their child, preventing abandonment in the first place. I would love to be the hands and feet of other organizations helping with orphan care as well, so I think this could be a valid option.

We're still waiting to hear, but I'll update as soon as I know. There is much to consider and at the front of that decision is God's will for our lives. Pray that His will becomes clear for us and that we are not(especially I am not) clouded by impatience or selfishness.

Courage is Action Despite Fear

China is kinda a scary place. It doesn't feel like that to me most days. Most days the only thing that affects my day-to-day life is the fact that everyone around me speaks Chinese and I speak it very little. My neighbors are mostly nice, there are tons of kids everywhere, and the church is blooming in DG. We're so protected in this city that sometimes I forget how different it is in the "bigger" China. Things have been getting much better in recent years, but China hasn't changed all that much. We are so blessed to live in a city that is different; but occasionally we're affected. I can't go into details, but this week we were reminded how fragile the China/America relationship is. How easily they could just decide to kick us out.

I've heard that definition of courage a million times. I've heard it explained and yet never fully understood. I've shared with you some fears David and I have about parenting, but this is a little more immediate. Many people ask us how our adoption is going. If we're being honest, at the moment, we're frozen in fear. It's easy to say that you would do anything to bring your kids home to you. It's a lot harder when you are climbing up a treacherous hill and reach an impasse that you literally have to step out in faith. There's a 50/50 chance of how it will turn out once we take this step. We're kinda freaking out and would love some extra prayer about it.

In this time of fear, God has been so gracious to remind us over and over that He makes the decisions, we just have to say "yes." He's reminded us that he holds the hearts of kings (and Chinese government officials) and turns then anyway he chooses. He's reminded us that it is His battle and I just need to bring what I have, He'll do the rest. He's been so faithful throughout this entire process, we know this is just one detail, but it's a scary one. If it goes poorly we could have to start the entire adoption process over again, in possibly another country. We could have problems with our visas, we could get flagged and have difficulty from now on coming and going in China or we could even get kicked out of China entirely. Every devotion I've done lately, every verse I've read, every study I've attended has been a reminder that if we follow His direction, He will make a way.
(Side note: I've been reading a book called "One. Impossible Starts Here" and it's amazing. Check it out if you need a reminder to follow God's will, not just your own comfort!)

We have a little bit of a wait until we're even able to make this leap of faith, but we're also on a deadline. We're getting nervous that we might run out of time on our initial fee with our adoption agency. We're getting nervous that we're taking too long to finish our home study and we might have to do another (more expenses...). We don't want people to think we're being irresponsible, or that we've gotten cold feet and we're running the other direction. We're all in. We're just not sure about the timing. Trust me, I'm chaffing at the wait. I'm trying not to, but I still long to give baths, brush hair & teeth, tuck into bed, play games, cuddle, and feed my own children. This longing hasn't faded. We're doing all we can, but this is too big for us alone. We need God.

"I'll never leave you or forsake you" Hebrews 13:5
"You lead me and guide me because of Your name" Ps. 31:3
"I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you hope and a future" Jer. 29:11
"I will instruct you and teach you the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you" Ps. 32:8
"As for me and my house, we will serve the LORD" Josh. 24:15

How it went - The Home Study

I'm gonna try a new style of writing today, let me know if you like it.

It was a beautiful day, so let me start there. It was cloudy and overcast, but not with pollution as it is so often in our city of DG. We haven't had rain our entire rainy season, so seeing those clouds was a
happy occasion. We got up extra early and did a quick sweep through of our house. Put away bed mats (we were sleeping on the floor downstairs because the air-conditioning upstairs was broken), put on clothes that were carefully laid out the night before, do hair, make-up, run outside and walk the dog.

Once all the little things we knew we needed to do where done, we made sure everything looked nice one final time before heading out the door. We still needed to catch a taxi, a bus would not do on a day like today. Buses save money, but not time, and time is what we were needing to save. We flagged down a taxi much quicker than we were expecting and we were on our way to Dynatown Mall where we were going to meet up with Eric. Eric is high up in a factory about 20 minutes away from the downtown area. He has a personal driver and he had offered to let us use this luxury for today.

We pulled up to the mall and paid the taxi driver. We got out, hoping Starbucks would be open at 6:30 am. In China, it doesn't open until 7:15, so we were out of luck. We went to McDonald's instead. I got what I everything that I can eat from McDonald's; eggs, a hash-brown and a coffee. David got whatever he wanted; an egg McMuffin, a biscuit and a milk. We also ordered food for our driver and Eric. They arrived soon after we got the food and we were heading over to Eric's factory in no time. Our driver needed to eat once we got to the factory, so he took 10 minutes to do that and we took a tour of the place. Eric's factory makes lamps for hotels. It was a really cool experience.

We got our GPS ready to go to Guangzhou airport and we were off. It took about an hour and a half to drive all the way there. We spent that time reading our adoption education book, "The Connected Child" and talking, all the while trying to keep ourselves from becoming over-anxious and over-stressed.

When we finally got there, we communicated (in horrible Chinese) to the driver that we wanted him to stay nearby and we would be back soon. We found the gate which our social worker would be arriving. We decided to scrawl her name on a piece of paper, just in case we didn't recognize her.
We took turns visiting the restroom and spent the time pacing back and forth still talking and joking, trying to ease the nerves.

Some people started filing around the exit corner and into the waiting area. An elderly couple, a family, lots of single Chinese people. Finally, the only person who was foreign enough to be her turned the airport exit corner. It was easier than we thought to recognize her, and we called out her name. We said hello and it all began.

We got in the car and drove back to Dongguan. Our nerves were quickly calmed as we began to just talk. At first we were still feeling the pressure to present ourselves in a positive light, but as we got to know her and she got to know us, we were much more comfortable. I offered her a snack I had packed which led to a conversation about nutrition. We talked for some time about the importance of nutrition when adopting. The fact that I had packed Gluten free pretzels, a Soyjoy and some water boded well for us! David even took the opportunity to brag on me for my dietary and nutrition expertise!

We talked about all kinds of things, but here are the big topics I remember; we talked about the level of support we felt we had from friends and family, our plans for discipline, how there could be issues with attachment after adoption, the special needs in a child that might arise with any international adoption, what we planned in terms of childcare, how we were planning financially, and so much more. We actually knew the answer to every question asked! We spent time talking in the car, in our living room and while eating lunch at a Chinese restaurant down the road from us.

She met Aubie and Luna and they were on their best behavior. She loved them! She said "I knew I would like you when I read about how your greatest accomplishment was saving your kitten." I felt a kind of kindred spirit thing going on with her. First on the topic of nutrition and now with animals!

She looked around at safety features in our house and pointed out some things we might improve on. The best thing she said all day was "I don't need to check every little safety feature, because I know you will love your children more than I do and will want to protect them more than I would."
Honestly, it made me feel capable.

There weren't many concerns for safety about our house, except the balconies. Our social worker suggested either getting some sort of lock for everywhere connecting to a balcony or these wire nets I often see around the community. David and I are looking into that now and we will see what we can find and afford. She gave us advise on the process, told us what it would entail to get official approval for the home study and offered help for certain parts of the process.

After that we took her out to get some stuffed toys for her kids, gave her a Kombucha scobi to take home with her, then drove back with her to the airport. By the time we got back home, we were exhausted. It was 7 or 8 at night and all we could do was feel proud and sit on the couch and watch tv until it was an acceptable time to go to bed.

Overall, it was a really good day. The best part about it was after all our talking she said, "I'm going to approve you for 2 kids up to age 7," which is exactly what we wanted to hear. Verbal approval. We were so excited!

Now what's next? We've been approved for two kids by our social worker, but we still have some paperwork to finish, send in, get approved, cleared and so on. We are currently sending in Child Abuse Clearance paperwork for SC and TN. David is also working on completing his adoption education so he can earn his certificate. After that our completed home study document will be sent in to the Central Authority in the US and hopefully approved without investigation (think IRS checking on validity of taxes, but with adoption paperwork). If they ask for proof of something we only have a short period of time to respond with the needed paperwork. If we fail to comply there are consequences, such as having to re-do the whole home study.  We are praying that they will not ask for proof. By the time mail found its way to us, we would only have a few days to comply because of being in China and the reliability of mail here.

If we can sail smoothly through the home study approval, our next step is to attain all the paperwork we need for our dossier. If you want to know more about what is included in a dossier check out what our agency says here.

Belonging

It occurred to me today that everyone wants to belong, but also, there is something terrifying about it. The idea of belonging to a group is desirable, but often times we change who we are to fit into that group. For instance, I HATE reality TV. It grates on my nerves, because I can't stand to watch other people make bad decisions, or be forced into decisions that are unlikely reflections of their true feelings. Anyway, when I first moved to China I had a difficult time making friends. They people in our community of foreigners were nice enough, but we just had very little in common. It was so lonely though, that I started watching shows I couldn't stand just so I would have something to talk about with them for the 20 minutes I saw them after work. It wasn't a true connection, but I needed to belong to something bigger than me.

I was thinking about this in terms of our adoption and how the kids might feel when they come to their forever home. Will they feel a sense of belonging just by having a mommy and daddy? Or will it take more work than that? Will they every have a sense of belonging with us, or will this be a life-long question and insecurity for them?

It could turn out perfectly, imagine with me:
A seven year old girl and a four year old brother and sister walk into our apartment. We show them their rooms and they are over the moon excited! They pull out every toy we picked out for them, they look at the bed that is now theirs and snuggle into it playfully and lovingly. We introduce them to their new fur-babies Aubie and Luna and they are immediately taken with them. They spend the next twenty minutes throwing the ball for Aubie and petting Luna. When it's time for dinner they are so happy to be part of a family that they spend the entire time just looking at us while we all eat. We practice our Bulgarian and try to teach them some English. After dinner we spend some time playing together as a little family, and then we get ready for bed. They are unfamiliar with the routine of brushing their teeth and getting into pajamas that are just for them, but they are eager and want to learn. David and I take turns reading to them, then tuck them in and just stroke their heads for a while. They doze off and if they wake up they come and cuddle with us until they fall off to sleep again. That is the ideal sense of belonging. Immediate and wonderful.

Now the other way it could turn out is this:
Upon entering the new environment of our apartment, they stare at everything with a mixed sense of wonder and fear. They gaze at the things, but either are not excited by them or completely disengaged and they cannot fathom the things being theirs. They wander around the house and eventually start crying. When they meet the animals, they're afraid of Aubie and Luna and we have to ask our friends to watch them another night so the kids have time to adjust. They throw fits, they hate to be touched and they cannot stop crying. They rock back and forth constantly and cannot be calmed. At night, they keep trying to get away from us. They won't eat the food we make for them and no other snacks seem to please them either. We decide to try bedtime, and they don't know what brushing teeth is and it freaks them out. So much so they throw another fit. They kick and hit and cry when we put them on their bed. They refuse to let us touch them and we have no idea what to do to help them feel at ease. We decide to turn on some white noise, a nightlight and say goodnight. We worry about them all throughout the night because we can hear them crying.

Now I don't think that either of these cases will happen. We will probably have a mixture of both, somewhere in between the two extremes. I have heard adoption can be one of these extremes though. Wouldn't it be lovely to have the first extreme? We are prepared to deal with the second extreme (as much as we can anyway). We hope that if they have difficulty finding belonging in our family group, that in time we can earn their trust and enforce certain rules long enough that it becomes routine. I know that even biological children can have problems with their sense of belonging in their families.

A sense of belonging has always been something David and I have struggled with personally. Not in our family, but with groups of friends. I hope we can relate enough to be patient and loving unconditionally. I hope that everything will work out. I have big dreams for the future. Hopefully, eventually, they will find a sense of belonging with us in our family.

Parenting - Great Expectations & Feelings

Sometimes, when things don't move as fast as I thought, I lose hope. Please tell me you have been there too, that I'm not the only one! To you, as a third party to our adoption, it may seem that things have been moving at a pretty good pace - one thing happening after another. To me, this whole becoming a parent thing is taking forever. And when something takes forever, I start to over-analyze. Unfortunately, I am also a researcher at heart and tend to look up as much information as possible with whatever is on hand. What is on hand right now is the internet; and people's blogs; and people's stories of adoption; and people's horror stories.

Now, I do tend to be the kind of person that believes that all things work together for good, and so I am confident it will all work out well. I do realize there will be some difficulties, and have never been under the delusion that any kind of parenting would be easy. However, when I read some of these stories, I feel seriously discouraged. I feel like it might be too hard.

All these stories are not helping my current emotional feelings of incompetence. Lately, I've felt so stressed out with work, having a semblance of a social life, and trying to keep my house in order that I've come to question whether I can even be a working mom. I've talked it over with David, and we've decided that as soon as possible (aka when our contract allows me to) I will go down to either part time or not working with some tutoring jobs. The more I think about it, the better the plan seems. I took a sick day today because I had a huge headache and was feeling flat out awful from my cold. I was able to sleep, get good medicine, eat decent food and altogether rest. Not only was I able to finally rest, but I also had a chance to catch up on some things that have fallen behind in the chaos. I was able to straighten up and do some serious amounts of laundry. Cuddling with my babies (Aubie and Luna) was truly helpful to my mental health as well!

All of these thoughts when considering myself being a parent is leading to me feeling that maybe I'm not ready. (I need to insert here that I have not changed my mind about adoption! Just in case you were getting that vibe). It makes me feel like if I can't handle these small little responsibilities, than what will happen when I have extra little people, with bigger needs than mine, to take care of. It's kinda freaking me out a little. I have been consoling myself with the fact that it's very common for people, when they find out their going to be parents, to freak out and wonder what kind parent they will be.

Because I have been feeling uneasy about being a parent, I've decided to do the one thing I know usually makes me feel better about doing something new; pick up a million books and read about it! I've gotten tons to samples of parenting books off my Kindle, and I'll be buying a few of them as soon as I figure out which ones I like (i.e. the ones that actually teach good parenting techniques based on Psychology, and not ones that are like "I have pretty good kids, this is how I did it!" - It's crazy how many books like that there are!). I feel like maybe if I can read about good techniques, I will feel more prepared for managing my life and my children, and then will feel less uneasy about becoming a parent. Do you have any favorites that I should check out? Any advice during this period of waiting?