How it went - The Home Study

I'm gonna try a new style of writing today, let me know if you like it.

It was a beautiful day, so let me start there. It was cloudy and overcast, but not with pollution as it is so often in our city of DG. We haven't had rain our entire rainy season, so seeing those clouds was a
happy occasion. We got up extra early and did a quick sweep through of our house. Put away bed mats (we were sleeping on the floor downstairs because the air-conditioning upstairs was broken), put on clothes that were carefully laid out the night before, do hair, make-up, run outside and walk the dog.

Once all the little things we knew we needed to do where done, we made sure everything looked nice one final time before heading out the door. We still needed to catch a taxi, a bus would not do on a day like today. Buses save money, but not time, and time is what we were needing to save. We flagged down a taxi much quicker than we were expecting and we were on our way to Dynatown Mall where we were going to meet up with Eric. Eric is high up in a factory about 20 minutes away from the downtown area. He has a personal driver and he had offered to let us use this luxury for today.

We pulled up to the mall and paid the taxi driver. We got out, hoping Starbucks would be open at 6:30 am. In China, it doesn't open until 7:15, so we were out of luck. We went to McDonald's instead. I got what I everything that I can eat from McDonald's; eggs, a hash-brown and a coffee. David got whatever he wanted; an egg McMuffin, a biscuit and a milk. We also ordered food for our driver and Eric. They arrived soon after we got the food and we were heading over to Eric's factory in no time. Our driver needed to eat once we got to the factory, so he took 10 minutes to do that and we took a tour of the place. Eric's factory makes lamps for hotels. It was a really cool experience.

We got our GPS ready to go to Guangzhou airport and we were off. It took about an hour and a half to drive all the way there. We spent that time reading our adoption education book, "The Connected Child" and talking, all the while trying to keep ourselves from becoming over-anxious and over-stressed.

When we finally got there, we communicated (in horrible Chinese) to the driver that we wanted him to stay nearby and we would be back soon. We found the gate which our social worker would be arriving. We decided to scrawl her name on a piece of paper, just in case we didn't recognize her.
We took turns visiting the restroom and spent the time pacing back and forth still talking and joking, trying to ease the nerves.

Some people started filing around the exit corner and into the waiting area. An elderly couple, a family, lots of single Chinese people. Finally, the only person who was foreign enough to be her turned the airport exit corner. It was easier than we thought to recognize her, and we called out her name. We said hello and it all began.

We got in the car and drove back to Dongguan. Our nerves were quickly calmed as we began to just talk. At first we were still feeling the pressure to present ourselves in a positive light, but as we got to know her and she got to know us, we were much more comfortable. I offered her a snack I had packed which led to a conversation about nutrition. We talked for some time about the importance of nutrition when adopting. The fact that I had packed Gluten free pretzels, a Soyjoy and some water boded well for us! David even took the opportunity to brag on me for my dietary and nutrition expertise!

We talked about all kinds of things, but here are the big topics I remember; we talked about the level of support we felt we had from friends and family, our plans for discipline, how there could be issues with attachment after adoption, the special needs in a child that might arise with any international adoption, what we planned in terms of childcare, how we were planning financially, and so much more. We actually knew the answer to every question asked! We spent time talking in the car, in our living room and while eating lunch at a Chinese restaurant down the road from us.

She met Aubie and Luna and they were on their best behavior. She loved them! She said "I knew I would like you when I read about how your greatest accomplishment was saving your kitten." I felt a kind of kindred spirit thing going on with her. First on the topic of nutrition and now with animals!

She looked around at safety features in our house and pointed out some things we might improve on. The best thing she said all day was "I don't need to check every little safety feature, because I know you will love your children more than I do and will want to protect them more than I would."
Honestly, it made me feel capable.

There weren't many concerns for safety about our house, except the balconies. Our social worker suggested either getting some sort of lock for everywhere connecting to a balcony or these wire nets I often see around the community. David and I are looking into that now and we will see what we can find and afford. She gave us advise on the process, told us what it would entail to get official approval for the home study and offered help for certain parts of the process.

After that we took her out to get some stuffed toys for her kids, gave her a Kombucha scobi to take home with her, then drove back with her to the airport. By the time we got back home, we were exhausted. It was 7 or 8 at night and all we could do was feel proud and sit on the couch and watch tv until it was an acceptable time to go to bed.

Overall, it was a really good day. The best part about it was after all our talking she said, "I'm going to approve you for 2 kids up to age 7," which is exactly what we wanted to hear. Verbal approval. We were so excited!

Now what's next? We've been approved for two kids by our social worker, but we still have some paperwork to finish, send in, get approved, cleared and so on. We are currently sending in Child Abuse Clearance paperwork for SC and TN. David is also working on completing his adoption education so he can earn his certificate. After that our completed home study document will be sent in to the Central Authority in the US and hopefully approved without investigation (think IRS checking on validity of taxes, but with adoption paperwork). If they ask for proof of something we only have a short period of time to respond with the needed paperwork. If we fail to comply there are consequences, such as having to re-do the whole home study.  We are praying that they will not ask for proof. By the time mail found its way to us, we would only have a few days to comply because of being in China and the reliability of mail here.

If we can sail smoothly through the home study approval, our next step is to attain all the paperwork we need for our dossier. If you want to know more about what is included in a dossier check out what our agency says here.

Belonging

It occurred to me today that everyone wants to belong, but also, there is something terrifying about it. The idea of belonging to a group is desirable, but often times we change who we are to fit into that group. For instance, I HATE reality TV. It grates on my nerves, because I can't stand to watch other people make bad decisions, or be forced into decisions that are unlikely reflections of their true feelings. Anyway, when I first moved to China I had a difficult time making friends. They people in our community of foreigners were nice enough, but we just had very little in common. It was so lonely though, that I started watching shows I couldn't stand just so I would have something to talk about with them for the 20 minutes I saw them after work. It wasn't a true connection, but I needed to belong to something bigger than me.

I was thinking about this in terms of our adoption and how the kids might feel when they come to their forever home. Will they feel a sense of belonging just by having a mommy and daddy? Or will it take more work than that? Will they every have a sense of belonging with us, or will this be a life-long question and insecurity for them?

It could turn out perfectly, imagine with me:
A seven year old girl and a four year old brother and sister walk into our apartment. We show them their rooms and they are over the moon excited! They pull out every toy we picked out for them, they look at the bed that is now theirs and snuggle into it playfully and lovingly. We introduce them to their new fur-babies Aubie and Luna and they are immediately taken with them. They spend the next twenty minutes throwing the ball for Aubie and petting Luna. When it's time for dinner they are so happy to be part of a family that they spend the entire time just looking at us while we all eat. We practice our Bulgarian and try to teach them some English. After dinner we spend some time playing together as a little family, and then we get ready for bed. They are unfamiliar with the routine of brushing their teeth and getting into pajamas that are just for them, but they are eager and want to learn. David and I take turns reading to them, then tuck them in and just stroke their heads for a while. They doze off and if they wake up they come and cuddle with us until they fall off to sleep again. That is the ideal sense of belonging. Immediate and wonderful.

Now the other way it could turn out is this:
Upon entering the new environment of our apartment, they stare at everything with a mixed sense of wonder and fear. They gaze at the things, but either are not excited by them or completely disengaged and they cannot fathom the things being theirs. They wander around the house and eventually start crying. When they meet the animals, they're afraid of Aubie and Luna and we have to ask our friends to watch them another night so the kids have time to adjust. They throw fits, they hate to be touched and they cannot stop crying. They rock back and forth constantly and cannot be calmed. At night, they keep trying to get away from us. They won't eat the food we make for them and no other snacks seem to please them either. We decide to try bedtime, and they don't know what brushing teeth is and it freaks them out. So much so they throw another fit. They kick and hit and cry when we put them on their bed. They refuse to let us touch them and we have no idea what to do to help them feel at ease. We decide to turn on some white noise, a nightlight and say goodnight. We worry about them all throughout the night because we can hear them crying.

Now I don't think that either of these cases will happen. We will probably have a mixture of both, somewhere in between the two extremes. I have heard adoption can be one of these extremes though. Wouldn't it be lovely to have the first extreme? We are prepared to deal with the second extreme (as much as we can anyway). We hope that if they have difficulty finding belonging in our family group, that in time we can earn their trust and enforce certain rules long enough that it becomes routine. I know that even biological children can have problems with their sense of belonging in their families.

A sense of belonging has always been something David and I have struggled with personally. Not in our family, but with groups of friends. I hope we can relate enough to be patient and loving unconditionally. I hope that everything will work out. I have big dreams for the future. Hopefully, eventually, they will find a sense of belonging with us in our family.

At the Age of 25

This post was in my head in February. With the Silent Auction and then the home study, I never had time to finish this one.

So many thoughts and so little time to write them all down! I have had it in my head to write an awesome post about turning twenty-five. As some of you know, the biggest reason we've waited until now to start the adoption process is because we were told that both of us needed to be 25, and at the time, I was 23. I was heart broken. It was hard to realize that God was making us wait to put us in a better circumstance, in so many ways. Once we realized the wait was going to be a blessing, we decided to make the most of it and prepare ourselves as much as we could, financially, emotionally, and physically (as far as our apartment is concerned). We moved, bought furniture, began hitting our student loans as hard as we can, and overall just started building our home into a place we could welcome children in easily.

I sat at the Russian Philharmonic Saturday night and thought of all the philosophical thoughts my brain could handle and realized that without the conductor, the individual instruments probably still sounded good, maybe even great, but with the conductor leading and molding the musicians into his vision for their gifts, the sound is indescribable! Even mistakes can be covered by the beautiful sounds of the orchestrated plan of the conductor.What I'm trying to say is that God puts us in a place where we can not only use our gifts, but contribute and uplift others while we're at it. The body of Christ never made more sense to me than when I was sitting there listening to that music. Understanding that we can put everything we can into our part, and we're going to make mistakes along the way, but God will perfect it. Using other musicians to correct us, using other instruments to support us. As long as we play our part to the best of our ability, God can make good out of it.

As long as we play our part. It breaks my heart that there are so many people out there that are not playing their parts. Making excuses for why they don't have a ministry (that was me for a LONG time). I know that not everyone is called to adopt. That is David and my ministry right now. BUT there are many people who are called, and they say "later." They answer "my finances aren't good right now" "I have too many problems myself" "I'll have my own kids first and then think about adopting later." I've heard and made all the excuses myself. David and I really struggled with the fact that we live in CHINA and wouldn't have all the ease of adopting as traditional Americans would, either from foster care or abroad. We struggled with the fact that we still have SO much debt from college. We struggled with the fact that we are still so young. If you feel called and something is holding you back, ANYTHING, please ask someone about it. Express your doubts. I can guarantee that there is something that can be done. What it boiled down to for us, despite all the possible advantages and strategies we could use to make this happen, was that what if God said "it's too costly" "I don't have time for that right now" "I'd rather just have my own kids, then think about having more later"? Where would that leave us? We would still be orphans.

The Definition of a Sibling Group

I was talking to some friends about our plans to adopt, describing all the things we have to do, what we want and why and I thought I was speaking in a way that people could understand. Apparently not! I've been immersed in the adoption process for two three years now, even though we're just getting started on the actual "bring-them-home-process." I've done a ton of research and read a ton of books and talked to several other adoptive families. I've been following our agency's website for about a year and reading ALL of the articles they publish that are even vaguely related to our adoption process. I don't say all of this to brag, but merely to help you understand that when I say things like "sibling group" or "dossier (doss-ee-ay)" I'm not trying to confuse you or belittle in any way! I have only forgotten that people in every day life don't use these words!

Here are a few I have been using and their meanings (some even their meanings to us!):

• Dossier - a collection of paperwork needed to send to the country in order to be matched with a child. Usually consists of Marriage licence, birth certificates, financial information, health statements, letters of recommendation, police records, state records, and child abuse clearance.
• Sibling group - a group of children from one family. For us that means 2-3 children, and David's preference is that we have two girls or a boy and a girl. (Yes, I know the options consist of 2's for David!) I really don't mind, I just don't want ONLY boys! I don't think I could handle that all at once!
• Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption: The Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption is a multilateral treaty designed to apply to all international adoptions between countries that ratify it. Developed under the Hague Conference on Private International Law, the Convention is the result of a five-year process involving participants from 66 prospective member countries. This makes international adoption safer for both the kids and the parents. Making it so that 
• Birth Mother - this is a term, obviously used to describe the woman that carried the kids in her own body and then gave them up for some reason or another. I only mention this term to say that this is the appropriate term used, and she should never be called their "real mom." The only other term that is acceptable here is "biological" parent, but this is slightly less acceptable in the adoption world. Rule of thumb, don't mention this in front of adoptive children, if you must ask, wait until the adoptive parents are alone that way you don't risk saying something that might hurt the child.
• Most of the other words are government institutions such as Department of Justice, which is responsible for approving the adoption, the USCIS (United States Citizenship and Immigration Services), which I bet you can guess what part they play. 
• If there are any other terms I have used that were difficult to understand, please message me, or comment. I would love to update, but need some feedback!

Thanks for reading!